Nauseous, sweaty, uneasy, depressed, feeling void, are all things that I was going through yesterday. I had a heavy day. Started off the day with meeting the new manager they hired for our division. I was feeling anxious about meeting her but I didn’t try to let it bother me too much. At first thought was that maybe she was young and very bubbly. I guess that was a good thing. But after talking to her for a bit before heading off the to a new application training, I found out that this girl had no clue what she was getting herself into. She had absolutely NO healthcare experience. I started to feel worried and a bit confused as to why they would hire someone with NO experience in a healthcare setting. But I guess that’s why I am not in management and will never know why they do the things they do.
I was happy that I was able to leave my office and take a short walk to the training session. It gave me a chance to relax and not think of what was happening at work with the new manager. It all seemed to be going well until after lunch… It appeared that I was had a panic attack! I couldn’t understand why I was getting one. I was trying to figure out the logic as to why… but couldn’t quite pin point it since there is a lot going on around this day. Not only did we get a new manager that didn’t know anything about what she was going to start doing. But today was going to be the day that I turned in my scale at therapy.
I thought that I was going to be okay and tried to not think too much about it during the day. But I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking about it. And that could have been the reason that I lost it and went into panic mode. I am somewhat proud of myself that I was able to control the panic attack from going full-fledged. I was able to talk my self down and just breathe through it. It’s weird that I would have such attachment to a scale. Like why is this scale causing me so much sadness and anxiety. Why is it having such control over me? It’s just an object! Why??? I can’t explain why I broke down when I handed off to the therapist, or why I starting sobbing when they asked how I was doing in process group. There was no way for me to explain how I was feeling. I let go and gave up something that I used everyday and something that defined me. For some crazy reason I felt I let go part of me. I am still trying to process this today. Trying to understand the reasoning but I don’t have an answer. I just hope that I am able to move forward and that I will be able to feel empowered that the scale no longer has control over me.