When I was first thinking that I could possibly have an eating disorder I was in denial. Because for me I thought that if you had an eating disorder you had to be really skinny or really obese. My thinking was either you don’t eat enough or you eat too much. I just didn’t think I had either at the moment because I hadn’t been obese in a long time and I am certainly not thin. I was somewhere in between, and I guess that is why I thought there was no way I could have a problem.
From previous posts I have mentioned that I used to be obese. I weighed over 280 lbs or so. I would use food as my comfort basically all my life. I would eat to the point that I would numb the pain I was going through. I was a binge eater and then it changed to having bulimia for the ladder portion of my 30’s. For the most part, ED was my comfort in my times of loneliness and feeling down on myself. Whatever I was going through my ED was there for me. In therapy yesterday I realized that my ED is mad at me right now because I am trying to get rid of it. It has been around for so long and been there for me so now I am trying to let it go? I realized my ED is not going to go away without a fight! It has been manipulating and been deceiving me for as long as I can remember! So right now it is causing me all these types of behaviors and emotions that I don’t know how to quite handle. Makes me question why? Is it because my ED was the answer to all that I was feeling and the way I would cope? Now that I am trying not to fall into giving into my ED I am confused in how I am supposed to cope with it all… I mean if I can’t turn to my ED who do I turn too? That’s all part of the recovery process for me. Trying to figure out who I am and how do I cope with my issues without turning to food! I know recovery is not going to happen overnight. Its going to take some tough and challenging times. But just like the ED is putting up a fight…. so am I! Gloves drawn!!