It’s been difficult lately. I have been on medical leave for a week now and have been going to program during the day for 2 days now. I am not completely convinced that I like the structure for program during the day yet. I miss my evening peers and had huge anxiety going into my first day. But it has eased up a bit and I am getting the hang of things.

I had huge urges to exercise today. I had it all planned out too even though I haven’t been released to workout it. But after processing and talking to my therapist and nutritionist I realized that it was my ED talking and that I really need to focus on recovery and not push myself yet to workout. I know I will get there and I need to be have patience. For now I just have to keep putting work into my goals and my meal plan and let it all happen when it happens. I leave ya with a picture I took of the cutest thing I have seen in a long time! I want one now! Lol

First day on medical leave

I finally decided that it was going to be better for me to take some time off of work. I started IOP in March and I started off doing very well. But it got harder as time progress and work stress was not helping any. I wasn’t able to focus at work. I was always tired and I was not putting in much effort in program. It was all too overwhelming. Something had to give and after much talk with my team I decided to take that step and focus on my recovery. Making the decision was a difficult one. I resisted, I felt some of my control of doing the things I did normally will go away. I didn’t like the fact that someone else would be trying to help do my work. Prior to knowing when my leave was gonna start I tried to prepare and do most of the work so no one had to be inconvenienced. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for taking the time off. I feel ashamed, and felt like I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. I wasn’t taking the time to go on vacation or anything. I was taking the time to better my health! Yet I was full of guilt. I know that this will be a good thing for me and I just have to let go of the negative thoughts.

Have a day!

Today has been one of those days that I just feel all over the place. I am sad, anxious, confused, drained and just very emotional. I also have been feeling really overwhelmed because work has not been the easiest while being in treatment. I finally made the decision that I am going to take a leave from work to focus on recovery. I think its just too much for me to be stressed about work while I am trying to learn how to cope with my emotions and behaviors. This was not an easy decision as my work is pretty important to me and the thought of someone else doing my work makes me feel uneasy. My perfectionism when it comes to my work is a little maddening. My body image has been pretty bad as well lately. I have felt that I am constantly gaining weight. The person I see in the mirror I really don’t recognize anymore. My clothes also have been fitting me a bit tight again. I feel I am such a failure right now because I have been lying to myself and my team. What I can grazing on food is in actuality bingeing. And I don’t feel good about that at all. I am so ashamed. But I know that this is all part of the process and that I need to step back and center and take it step by step. And just have a day…Have a day

Learning new coping skills

Since starting program my emotions and thoughts have been all over the place. It has even gotten to the point that I feel that I have gotten worse with my behaviors since starting program. But in reality I know that it’s not that I have gotten worse it’s that the coping skills that I would go to have been taken away because they were not healthy coping skills and since I am not able to go to those I have to find other ways of dealing with things. And that’s where the hard part has come into play. My behaviors and emotions are just out of control and I am not able to cope. I have tried so many different things to help with this but it’s hard. My perfectionism makes it difficult to do some crafts because if I do not excel or do them perfect the first time I end up losing interest and get frustrated, which makes my anxiety act up, which then makes me want to turn to food for comfort! It’s a horrible circle and right now I feel trapped. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like a hamster trapped in that treadmill and I don’t know how to jump off of it. I took up doing friendship bracelets and that helped me a little bit. But I kept on getting frustrated because the knots would be right or I would grab the wrong string and had to start over. I beat myself up too much! lol Below is pictures of 2 bracelets I made.