Here goes nothing…

I stared at the blinking cursor on a blank word document for about 20 minutes. Trying to figure out how to go about writing my first entry on sharing something that is difficult for me to express or talk about it. I have been in denial for many years and could not possibly ever think that I would have this kind of problem. I am of Mexican decent and in our culture we do not talk about things like mental health. I am sure if I did, I could only imagine what they would say. “Estas loca”, “Ponte Vicks” or “tomate una sprite” would be some of the crazy things my family would probably say. I stop and wonder sometimes if I had that one person I could reach out too, would that have it made a difference? If I could just have said it out loud to someone and be taking seriously. Ok here goes, I have a co-occurring disorder. I suffer from depression and I am an emotional and binge eater.

The backstory…

I am a 37 year old female living in Southern California. I was born in SoCal, but spent my teenage years and early twenties in Texas. I am of Mexican – American. My dad was born in Mexico and my mom in Texas. I am the youngest of 5 children. I am in a healthy relationship going on 12 years. He is my rock and supports me through my good and bad times. No kids but I do have 2 adorable… sometimes annoying dogs. My likes are college sports, music, Hulu, Netflix, cycling, hiking and just spending time with my loves. Dislikes are anything or anyone negative, and I don’t like beer! Lol Yuck!

Well for as long as I can remember. I have been overweight all my life. I feel that I have dealt with depression and food addiction all my life. Growing up my nickname was “Gordita”. Which I thought it was just a term of endearment and did not think much of it. Little did I know that name would stick with me the rest of my life and probably caused some of self-image issues. I want to say that my relationship with food took a turn after I got my first period at the age of 10. I was so self-conscious that I had developed faster than the girls that were in my 5th grade class. I realized now that was when I first started emotional eating. Growing up I never felt that I quite fit it. I was a tomboy, loved playing sports but also was a geek and got good grades. I always felt that I was not pretty, that I was too chubby, and too tall. I was the girl that kids took advantage of because I was too nice and tried to get everyone to like me. I would go out of my way to make everyone else happy except for myself. I want to say that I was about 13 when I first started emotional eating and binge eating and the dabbling in cutting myself when I was in high school.

The weight gain got worse as I got older. I ended up in the ER on my 30th birthday. I was feeling sick, had a huge headache. I suffer from migraines and thought this was just a bad one. That was not the case as when they ran blood tests my glucose level was over 350, my blood pressure was also high and I weighed in at 257 lbs. You would think that I would have been freaking out by my glucose level but what was more on my mind was the shocking revelation that I weighed more than 200lbs!! They recommended that I go on a diet and lose some weight. I could be healthier and get control of my glucose levels if I was skinny. Of course, that made me have a meltdown. Instead of me wanting to lose the weight I ended up turning to food to comfort my disappointment. I would binge eat until I felt like I wanted to vomit. Then I would feel guilty about eating that much food and would go vomit. This became a cycle for another 3 years. I would hide food from my boyfriend. I would sneak to the kitchen at night and eat whatever we had until I would not feel any pain or cry myself to sleep. It wasn’t for another 3 years that I decided to make a drastic change. I underwent weightloss surgery and got the Lap Band. I did great with the new tool that was going to help me get healthier and also lose the weight. 2 years passed and I started having issues with my lap band. I started to not be able to swallow anything and threw up anything I tried to eat. I ended up in the ER and they removed the liquid from my band. It was fully open and I was not restricted. I had a feeling of disappointment. Even though it was not my fault that the lap band had failed me. I still felt that I had done something wrong. Therefore, the binge eating began again. I drowned myself in carbs and sweets. Something I had not been able to do while the lap band had me restricted. I regained almost 40lbs while they were still trying to find a way to slowly add liquid back into my band to help me lose weight. It didn’t work and they felt that I needed a different surgery. I was scheduled to get gastric bypass. I did great with the surgery, lost the weight, my health was back to normal and my diabetes was under control. 2 years passed and I couldn’t have felt any better. I had not binged in 2 years. I had friends and a great boyfriend that encouraged me to work out and kept me motivated. I felt under control. If I ate something bad I would be ok and not feel guilty. I was loving life and loving the person I had become.

The year 2017 was a difficult for me. I lost friendships. Work had become extremely stressful and toxic. I had not been able to get pregnant. My parents are getting older and they were going through some health issues. They live in Texas, its hard to be in a different state and not be able to talk to the doctors to get straight answers. I moved to a new area to be closer to work. I had knee issues that had cause me not to be able to do my usual workout routines. I think the things that I went through triggered my depression and relationship with food to get a little out of control. I tried to hide it. I tried to tell myself it was just a phase that I was going through. I figured this would go away just like the other times I would fall into a slump. I would pick myself back up and continue on my path. That just was not the case this time around.

Why now?

Things had started to get crazy. They had been the worse they have ever been. I regained about 30lbs and was completely devastated. I did not know what to do. I started to go to therapy and started a weightloss program that cause me to start to do something that I had never done before. I started abusing laxatives. I was taking almost 6 to 7 laxatives a day because I would eat bad and wanted a way to help me feel better. I thought if by taking them, I would be able to get rid of the food quickly and that it would not do any damage or gain weight. This is when I realized that my problems were bigger than I thought.

I decided to start this blog to document my journey to recovery. Through this blog, I will share my troubles, my highs and my lows. In hopes that this blog will help someone else realize they are not alone and other people are trying to cope with the same issues. My workout shenanigans, (that has not happened in a while), my relationship with my family and friends. My journey to a happier healthier me, by taking the first step and getting help.

On Tuesday, March 27, 2018, I will be starting an intensive outpatient program (IOP) for my depression and binge eating disorder. I will be attending therapy after work 5 days a week! Yikes! I did not feel that I needed to go to an inpatient facility and after doing some research thought to give the outpatient therapy a shot. When I first thought of going to therapy, I was only thinking of my getting help for my depression because I did not feel I had an eating disorder. I honestly thought it was normal to feel the way I feel about food. After doing some research and taking those crazy quizzes about eating disorders did I realize that I may have a problem. It was only reassured after getting my assessment by a therapist. I started to cry, (just a warning I cry a lot), I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. Yet what did I do? Let’s just say it involved eating a whole lot of food! It felt like a cycle because then I would feel that way again after eating all that food and would eat some more! Tuesday can’t get here quick enough…