Sundays are the hardest

Yesterday was a hard day for me. All I could do was think about food and I kept on looking in the mirror, pinching at my love handle. Sunday’s always seem to be a day that I try to stay busy and do stuff so I don’t think about things. But that doesn’t help because after I am done doing all the things its back to thinking about the bad stuff. I finished laundry early and did my meal prepping. I feel that I was a little off track on my eating times and that caused me to be a little bit out of whack! I kept trying to play catch up. I want to say that was the cause. But I just think overall it’s not having someone I can call or text. I don’t have many friends and that limits the people who I can count on to be there for me. Plus I don’t tell many people that I have ED because I feel they can get judgy. I know that no one has the right to judge me for this but it still happens.

Last night I just really anxious. I was tired of just laying in bed and felt that I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to go buy some markers so I can start doing those stress coloring books. But I didn’t want to go to the store either because I knew that the state that I was in, I would end up buying a bag of chocolate or some kind of junk food and just binge. It was a horrible feeling but fought through it and just went to the store and bought what I needed to get. Went straight to the stationary and arts section. Got the pens and markers I needed and left as quick as I could. I got home and was able to find some of my old coloring books. I put on my headphones, listened to some R&B and started coloring. I felt somewhat relaxed. I was able to for a brief moment not think about food or my body. I just let go.


They are taking away my scale

Since I started my recovery process I decided that I was going to be honest with my journey and try to comply as much as possible with the meal plan, nutritionist, therapist and myself. I didn’t want to waste their time or mine. Just like with anything new there are going to be times that I slip up. And I have had those moments along the way, but I admit to my mistakes and let the therapist or nutritionist know about it. I had my session with my nutritionist yesterday to go over how I was doing on my meal plan and just to check in. I told her that I had been compliant with my plan except for a couple days where I didn’t finish my food 100% due to just it being too much food or just being full because I had my snack and next meal to close to each other. I also had moment where I had those chocolates. I also mentioned that I have been weighing myself more Scale.jpgfrequently. I had stopped weighing myself but something felt off and I felt the need to weigh myself and haven’t stopped doing that everyday for the past couple days. So of course she went ahead and told me I need to give her my scale. I was not comfortable about that at all! I started to get a little anxiety about it. I don’t know how to feel about it being taking away. She also wants me to bring in the laxatives that I used to take since I admitted that I still have them. I have not been taking them but they are in my possession. I have made the decision that I will be turning those in to them. But its so hard to accept it. Why is this stupid scale validate much of my happiness or sadness! I know the number shouldn’t define me. But it does and it holds so much power over me. I know this is for my own good and that in the end it will make me stronger. Right now I cannot grasp the concept of it. Maybe in time I will understand, but it feels like they are taking a part of me away.


Better days ahead

Yesterday I have to admit was the hardest days since being in IOP. I had a horrible day at work with getting my evaluation and getting some rough comments that weren’t true. I was angry! I was sad and I wanted to just scream. Instead I went and grab some chocolate and scarfed it down. It ended up messing up all the hard work that I had done these past couple weeks. I felt so bad that I ended up not eating my lunch and maybe 50% of my dinner at therapy. I know its just one mishap and that its all part of the process. I just didn’t think I would slip up this soon. But there can only be better days ahead!

On a brighter note, there was this girl in therapy last week that was holding some clay, putty looking thing. She was playing with it and stretching it out. After session I finally decided to ask heThinkingPuttyr what it was. She told me it was thinking putty! She said that he has helped with her anxiety. So I had to get my hands on it and ordered some from Amazon! Here is the link to Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty The 3 mini tins is a pretty good deal. I didn’t see this listing when I got mine. So I paid a little extra for 4 of them! So far I love it. I have been using it at work and its a little weird at first. Feels oily but it actually isn’t. Doesn’t leave any residue on your fingertips or anything. I love the Super Scarab color! Maybe because I love the color purple and its all metallic looking!


Did not have the strength to resist

Well… I almost caved into my urge to binge. I have been dealing with a lot of things going into today. Work has been extremely stressful and I have not been able to get much sleep lately. I had a couple of medications that I had to pick up at the pharmacy today. Went in there and the first thing I see is all the Easter Candy on sale. Man… I really tried not to go over there to them. But my curiosity got the best of me and next thing I know I have a bag of chocolates in my hand. I was ready to pay for them and find somewhere to eat them. But my medications were not ready. I had to wait for one of them. I sat there waiting just looking at the bag of chocolate sitting on my lap. I really wanted to just open the bag and start eating them. I was going to pay for the whole bag so who cares if I opened it before paying for it! I resisted and sat there patiently waiting for my name to be called. After about 15 minutes my medication was ready and went to pay for them. The cashier charged me for everything except the candy. He said I had to go to the cashiers at the front of the pharmacy because they were pretty busy and can’t charge for anything other than medications. I was mad but also took it as a sign that maybe I shouldn’t be buying them. I ended up putting the bag back, but couldn’t resist and took a snack size chocolate. I went upstairs paid for it and opened it immediately. I couldn’t have put those chocolates any faster in my mouth. All I could think of was disgust, shame, I felt horrible. I came back to my office and now I am sitting here writing this and don’t feel like eating my lunch. My ED is telling me to restrict. Its telling me that I am not deserving of any other food because I ate that piece of chocolate. I know that it has only been a week into therapy but damn… can I last a week without the urge to binge or restrict! I am so afraid that I am going to not eat the rest of the day or that I am going to go on a full on binge.


Tired, rundown and listless…

Give me some of that vitameatavegimen!! I love Lucy is one of my all time favorite shows. This whole week I have not been able to sleep too well, maybe 4 hours max per night. I have been emotionally drained and I just feel like giving up. I don’t feel that I am focusing at work. I feel that I am letting everything get the better of me. I know that right now it seems like everything is at an uphill and it doesn’t seem to be letting up. But is not the end of the road and I know that in time things will get better. lucy

I want to reflect about my first week in IOP. I have been able to keep with my meal plan. Well at least I have been able to plate everything that I had packed. Most of the time I am able to eat 100% of my food but there were days that I was only able to eat 70% of certain meals. I will try to improve on that this week. I have tried not isolate myself from others in the group but sometimes I feel that I do. I think I social skills need to improve. I just feel awkward and want to go and hide in a hole. In group sessions I have tried to participate and process feelings. I met with the psychologist yesterday and he confirmed my diagnosis and prescribed medication for my depression. I have not filled it yet as I don’t know if I want to take medication. I want to think on it. All in all I feel that this program will end up helping me out. I just have to follow it and be patient because things are not going to happen overnight.

Today I am also feeling some anxiety. I have my work evaluation today by my former manager because the interim, per HR, is not able to evaluate me for insufficient contact. She is supposed to show up for the meeting but I am hoping she doesn’t. She did not show up for my co-workers evaluation so lets keep my fingers crossed she won’t be here for mine either. I know that she will be spiteful and say things that are not true because she is unhappy in her new position. She has done me wrong in my evaluation before so I shouldn’t expect any different. I should really just not worry and what will be, will be. But I can’t help it.

 


Love Yourself Most

Yesterday was my 5th day at IOP and I think it went pretty well. But my day was pretty busy. I made an appointment to see my Endocrinologist. She had been on maternity leave for a month and had not been in to see her. She was unaware of what I was going though. I was out of my diabetes medication and also noticed my Ferritin level was low again in the labs that I had done for medical clearance for IOP. I had stop taking the liquid iron because it was getting too expensive paying out of pocket. So that was another thing I wanted to go ahead and ask her if there was anything she could write a prescription for. We talked for about an hour, let her know that I know my diabetes management could be better,.. she agreed. But she was proud of me for admitting I needed help and that I was seeking therapy.  After my visit with her I decided that I would walk to therapy. It was a 2 mile walk and that maybe that would be my light exercise for the day. I am not supposed to be working out extremely, so trying to find a middle ground has been a little rough for me. But I will do my best! We had process group on the schedule last night and I had a clear vision of what I wanted to talk about!! I was ready!! But then everyone was talking about relationships and friendships and something just hit me. Everything they were sharing was like they were talking about my experiences. How I feel that I am always somehow in a toxic friendship. I always seem to be the one that give their all and cares for other people without ever being on the receiving end of it. I always give give and GIVE and they take it and run! I end up dealing with all their emotions and problems and trying to find a solution and be there for them. And I am stuck not being able to tell them what is going on with my life because we are too involved with theirs. But anyways, I feel like I am ranting in this post and may not be making any sense whatsoever. But thats what it kinda felt in process group. Like I was ranting and not making sense. At the end basically I need to set boundaries and to take care of myself before I can try to help or take care of others. One of the girls in my group drew the picture below and man ain’t it the truth! LOVE YOURSELF MOST!!

LoveYourselfMost

 

 


I don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror!

Through this recovery process I have learned that the way that I look at myself in the mirror says a lot to how I feel about myself. At my highest weight of 272 pounds, I don’t think I ever really saw how big I really was in the mirror and even when I lost 100 pounds when I looked in the mirror I saw the 272 pound version of me! Its like when I was at my biggest I didn’t see I was big! And when I was smaller I saw that I was my biggest. Sometimes I ask myself what causes these perceptions of ourselves? What is it that drives us to feel this way. Is it society? Is it our upbringing? Is it self hate? Is it trauma from the past? My own answer to these are Yes, Yes and YES! Checking all of the above.

In my family I felt that when I was at my biggest they always would tell me 7cdf82d336569a4fb90d98b79f81d032.jpgthat I needed to go on a diet. That I was too heavy and my weight was going to cause health issues. Which I agreed… I know that being obese was going to cause health issues for me. And it did! I was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, PCOS… anything that came with being obese I was dealing with it. I knew that I had health issues and that it needed to change. But how was I going to be able to do that when instead of hearing positive things it was always some sort of negativity or body shaming. Of course you know that this was not going to help me with my comfort of food. I was going to binge eat to the point I felt sick and purge and then tell myself that I can’t do this anymore. Then I would try to go on a strict diet, I would lose a couple of pounds but then I couldn’t take restricting myself from certain foods and I would binge on them! It was a horrible cycle.

This all boiled down to how I feel about myself. How I feel that I am not enough. How I am not pretty enough, I am not skinny enough, I have this stupid loose skin and its ugly. I know that learning to love myself and let go of the issues I have with myself is not going to happen over night. These feelings of myself have been stirring up for decades. I need to be patient with the process and be positive that the best outcome will happen. Will it be difficult…. of course! If anything was easy no one would have problems! Just have to be willing to fight through it and find self-love and acceptance!


Leisure 3 mile hike, so I thought!

Got a chance to get outdoors again today. I really didn’t want to but staying at home was driving me nuts because I wanted to binge. So I got up and changed walked the dogs while the fiancé changed and off we went to explore a 3 mile hiking trail we had never been too. We thought this was going to be a simple hike. No elevation, just flat… we were wrong. It was uphill most of the time until we got loop mid point. I was huffing and puffing. This girls endurance sucks! It got me sad and depressed at first because I couldn’t believe how out of shape I am. A year ago I would be trailing running it like it was nothing. Today I was barely able to catch my breath. I went from feeling like bingeing to not wanting to eat my dinner when I get home. I managed to just think positive and kept telling myself that it’s gonna take time. I got this! One day at a time!


Start of a new day

Today is Easter and you know that today is a day that families spend together and eat a bunch of food and candy. I remember loving this day as a kid. My family would wake up early and go get a spot at the park. It was a big family get together and so much fun. There were egg hunts, egg toss, water balloon fights and even a volleyball game. But it was also a day of eating. You would eat all day because the food would just be out there on the picnic tables. Not being guarded, just a free for all. I will staying away from family or friend gatherings today. I might go for a ride or a hike to distract my mind a bit. Nothing crazy cause that would definitely cause issues and triggers to go “hard in the paint.” A leisurely stroll to just enjoy the weather and the scenery. Yesterday was a hard day but the good thing about days is that there always a new one that will come around. A bad day doesn’t last forever. So even though today might seem like it will be a triggered filled day, I will make the best of it and keep my mind busy and distracted to get through it.


Day 4 in IOP

Got here early and seriously sometimes I feel I shouldn’t be here because I see everyone else and how they act and I am not like them. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others in recovery but I can’t help it. I know everyone’s situation is different and people are here for different eating disorders but I guess I am still having a hard time admitting and dealing that I suffer from an eating disorder. Also today is the first Saturday that I am here. First thing we are doing is having lunch. When we have meals together I end up comparing plates. I look to see how little or how much everyone else eats.

During meal I actually ended up feeling really sick and nauseous. I felt that all the food that I was eating was getting stuck in my chest and that it was all going to come up. I even started to get red in the face and sweating. I did not think that my food was going to stay down. I went to the first therapy session which was about body image. I really felt this talk was going to make me vomit. But I managed to calm down and was able to talk about how I feel growing up in a Mexican family caused some of my emotional eating. They started calling me “Gordita” growing up as I started gaining weight. And I honestly don’t think that they were doing it to be mean. It was always felt that it was a term of endearment and they meant in a loving way. Now that I am an adult I feel that it caused some self confidence issues of some sort that I need to learn to work out.